Still in Tioman... back at the chalet. When my little girl was fast asleep and no more fever... thought he would be sleeping next to his sick girl. I was surprised! He got up!!!
Well, I know he was previously gathered at the other chalet till I called him for his daughter was unwell.
I had some hope for some moments together... -sigh-.. I am always left with me and my hope all eaten up by myself. He said, he was going to join the others for "a while". The word 'a while' soothed me. But, as though I didnt know his 'a while' would be 'how long'. That was not the first time... I was stupid. From midnight, till 3am I still hear laughters. Oh my, God knows how I had suffered... I cried and cried.. I stayed in the bathroom for long time playing handphone game while having the tap running, so that my heart wont suffer more and more listening to those noise and those girlish laughters outside. It was an excruciating pain that I suffered. My feelings.... beyond the description of any words.
Past 3am... he was not back still.. I cannot hold it much longer, I went out of the chalet and headed on to the shore.
I thanked God for making me a very strong person, for all those tests that he had given me - I survived. But, sometimes I feel.. I am sick of being strong. It hurts so badly when I have to stay strong.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Disappointing Tioman continues
After the second dive, we all went back for lunch. I just planned to be with my girls. As I had thought, he would definitely shut his eyes coz he was lack of sleep coz of the night journey and prior preparation for the trip. He slept all afternoon, all evening, all night, till the next morning. Being very considerate and was very thankful for his effort in rescuing me during the first dive, while he was sleeping - I rubbed deep heat ointment all over his legs, especially the knee. I doubted he noticed. My hope and my prayers, so that he wont be feeling so sore on his muscles after paddling hard in the water when he got up.
It was hard to have him get up on his own and made the first move to prepare everyone for breakfast. Till one of the girls was hungry and I had to mention that we'll go without him. Then only he got up. Well, this is not unusual... this is very common of him. So to say that I was disappointed at this juncture... mmmmm I dont feel it that much. A tiny bit may be.
We planned for a snorkelling trip for the girls and the babysitters. I was told that it would be happening on the second part of the day, after the divers' morning dives. He didnt follow them as he was having pain on his knee. We had so much fun on the beach. My girl and I snorkelled at the shore area and she was very very excited. I was proud of my girl for having the courage to do snorkelling though she knew she would not be able to stand on the sea floor. Adleena was superb! Adriana played at the shore happily.He was with Adriana at the shore. I guess that was the happiest moment while in Tioman!
After lunch, we were all geared up for a snorkelling trip, together with the divers on the same boat. Adriana experienced sea sick a little and she started to be unwell. Adleena was so eager to snorkel. He went diving with the others. I was definitely ok as I wanted to be with my girls. Adleena had so much fun snorkelling though the surface was quite bumpy. The babysitters had surrendered earlier coz they didnt expect that had to just jump into the deep water to snorkel. The boatmen caught "Nemo" and passed to my girls. They were very excited. Adleena even saw her Babah underneath the ocean - at the ocean floor diving while she was on the surface snorkelling. That was very excited. That was very enjoyable.
We ended the trip with a visit to the Marina at Tekek. We were back at the resort after the sun had set. The trip was so fulfilling.
Night time, after dinner, we had "lemang" that he brought along with him... hahaha that was funny.. coz the two lemangs only offered two shots. While everybody gathered and expected some kind of performance.. hahahaha..
Then, we went to the jetty to watch some guys fished. He was with me, holding me a while on our way to the jetty. It was very soothing and it felt good. I was not really expecting that he would walk with me as he had his camera on his hands and I knew that he wanted to practice his skills as he had mentioned before the trip. Anyway, when we arrived at the end of the jetty, there were two squids that the guys had gotten. Adleena was so excited in seeing the squids half alive. While being there, I thought it was some rare moments if only I could just be with him at one side... or we could just exchange stories on his dive trip that I didnt follow and the snorkelling trip with the girls.. etc etc. Instead, my heart was not only hurt but was broken....... that didnt happen as I wish for so much. When I turned my head to look for him... ah! I was torn into pieces. From that very moment, it was the start of those excruciating pain that I felt within me.
It was hard to have him get up on his own and made the first move to prepare everyone for breakfast. Till one of the girls was hungry and I had to mention that we'll go without him. Then only he got up. Well, this is not unusual... this is very common of him. So to say that I was disappointed at this juncture... mmmmm I dont feel it that much. A tiny bit may be.
We planned for a snorkelling trip for the girls and the babysitters. I was told that it would be happening on the second part of the day, after the divers' morning dives. He didnt follow them as he was having pain on his knee. We had so much fun on the beach. My girl and I snorkelled at the shore area and she was very very excited. I was proud of my girl for having the courage to do snorkelling though she knew she would not be able to stand on the sea floor. Adleena was superb! Adriana played at the shore happily.He was with Adriana at the shore. I guess that was the happiest moment while in Tioman!
After lunch, we were all geared up for a snorkelling trip, together with the divers on the same boat. Adriana experienced sea sick a little and she started to be unwell. Adleena was so eager to snorkel. He went diving with the others. I was definitely ok as I wanted to be with my girls. Adleena had so much fun snorkelling though the surface was quite bumpy. The babysitters had surrendered earlier coz they didnt expect that had to just jump into the deep water to snorkel. The boatmen caught "Nemo" and passed to my girls. They were very excited. Adleena even saw her Babah underneath the ocean - at the ocean floor diving while she was on the surface snorkelling. That was very excited. That was very enjoyable.
We ended the trip with a visit to the Marina at Tekek. We were back at the resort after the sun had set. The trip was so fulfilling.
Night time, after dinner, we had "lemang" that he brought along with him... hahaha that was funny.. coz the two lemangs only offered two shots. While everybody gathered and expected some kind of performance.. hahahaha..
Then, we went to the jetty to watch some guys fished. He was with me, holding me a while on our way to the jetty. It was very soothing and it felt good. I was not really expecting that he would walk with me as he had his camera on his hands and I knew that he wanted to practice his skills as he had mentioned before the trip. Anyway, when we arrived at the end of the jetty, there were two squids that the guys had gotten. Adleena was so excited in seeing the squids half alive. While being there, I thought it was some rare moments if only I could just be with him at one side... or we could just exchange stories on his dive trip that I didnt follow and the snorkelling trip with the girls.. etc etc. Instead, my heart was not only hurt but was broken....... that didnt happen as I wish for so much. When I turned my head to look for him... ah! I was torn into pieces. From that very moment, it was the start of those excruciating pain that I felt within me.
Disappointing Tioman
Way before the day planned for this trip, I had uneasy feelings about it. My heart was not very excited when he was very enthusiastic on going for this island trip. But since it was ages since we both last dived and I thought this trip was a good bargain... well why not. I was all in... also thinking about exposing my girls into going to an island whilst trying to fulfill his wishes. Arrangements were made for the trip.
23 April, a Friday - we all left for Tioman two hours before midnight. I was asleep all the way through as I was not having enough sleep for the prior two nights. Kind of excited to go to an island; as island, clear water, deep sea and beaches are all my favs in many many choices that God had created for us. I find tranquility... I find peace.. in indulging myself into the breeze of the open sea and the splashes of waves to the shores..
But this time... again... as I had expected...how many moments that he would spend with me... how many opportunities would he grab to just have that private moments to share stories and grab all those lost moments that we didnt manage to have in performing our daily routines while at home....???? As expected, when we go anywhere in a group... especially friends, my appearance... my sides are only utilised to shut his eyes close. That was one disappointment.
Getting on the ferry with the rest of the peeps on this trip with us, we had a good entrance to be among the first to enter the ferry. To my mind, lets grab the front sits so that it would be easier to manage the children and it would just be comfortable if he would experience motion sickness for the journey on the sea. But, as I turned my head to find him - I saw him sitting among those friends at the back part of the ferry. Another disappointment and a deep cut in the heart...
Once we were there at Paya in Tioman, the chalet we were in was just nice and fine to cater for basic needs and it is just fine for divers actually - those who plan for 'eat, dive, sleep' kinda activities. The girls were very excited and cant wait to play at the beach and perform their first time snorkelling. I can see that Adleena was all very excited about getting to the beach.... I was worried for not having to fit into my diving suit... as I thought I had put on lotsa fats around my body haha. But, surprisingly... I did fit in!! Uh.. tough effort to pull the gear up my body, but it was not that bad after all.
However, I wonder, why werent my heart very excited about going for a dive after the last dive we made in August 2006 or was it 2007 (?). My heart was without any feelings.... at preparing all gears.. getting on the boat till the moment I wanna jump into the waters. I was amongst the last one to jump in. Suddenly, I felt the adrenalin rushed in my blood. The tank was so heavy (as it has been so long not having to lift such heavy tank). Well, needing help ???? I looked around and there was no one to help me. He had jumped in after I helped him with his gears, as I was worried of his knee condition which is due for an operation - So I did help him with the weight of those equipments before he jumped into the water. Then, since I didnt see anyone paying attention to my need of help, I gathered myself together and made my giant leap into the water. That was not so much of a disappointment, merely some dissatiscation only. "Dussshhhh!" My giant leap was successful. I had told the divers that since it has been so long from the last dive... I may take a few moment to get down as I need to stabilise my breathing and heart beat to get down... as my intention was to save as much air as possible so that I can enjoy the 'other' world as much as I can. But, I was not able to descent! I tried all the techniques that I know about controlling weights and buoyancy... I dunno how many times I tried, but I was still floating at the surface. I looked for my buddy, quite some moments I was alone. I was not able to locate my buddy at all. I tried and tried and tried hard to descent.... then I thought I didnt have enough weights to descent. I used to wear three weights the last time and that was just fine. This time, three weights were not enough. I started to have some fear as I couldnt see any other divers around... till finally he came back for my rescue. But I was not expecting him to do anything, as he is just an amateur. I was expecting for a dive master or a dive instructor who should had came about to my rescue. After so long being on the surface, and having to disappoint him to not having the opportunity to go down under, I gave up!It was time to paddle back up to the boat which was more than 10 meters away from the spot that I was.The current was strong as the wind was quite strong. Also, while I was sort of underwater, I realised the visibility for that day was very poor. Hardly can see the divers after a few meters down. On my way to the boat, being rescued by him... I thought to myself that this team of divers and the instructor and the master were all very selfish bunch of people. There were no togetherness and lacking of responsibilities. I rested my case. I was about to just not go down on the next stop for diving that day.I was 65% sure that I wont be going down.But I thought of my buddy. I wanted him to be fulfilled and happy and not having much worry if I decided not to go down. So, I kept my spirit up.. pulled myself together and I told myself, just do the final dive of the day.
Then the 2nd spot. Talking about spot.. I'm surprised on the lackadaisical attitude of one or two divers, when I asked about the name of the dive site... they said they didnt know and didnt bother to know. I wonder who certified them... Anyway, the second spot, I put in another weight to myself and this time I was hoping that I would be able to sink. This time, there was another diver who had helped me up the side of the boat before I jumped in. I saw my buddy about 5 meters away from me when I had floated up. Then since everybody was ok, we all started descending. Hoorayyyy!!! I was able to descend. I still saw him, and with my earlier difficulty, I was hoping that he would swim towards me underneath the water. All divers started to move. I moved as well, I tried looking back but I was not able to locate him at all. The visibility was poor, hardly 2 meters away. My heart started to panic, so I just followed whoever nearby. Another disappointment experienced. The two divers that I had followed never bother of my existence as they were only communicating with each other seeing if both were ok, but not signaling me... I felt my heart getting very upset, but I still followed as I dun wanna get lost alone. Suddenly, a strong surge came by that made me be at halt and being pushed up towards the surface. Surge was strong that my path was pushed astray away from the other two I had followed. I told myself, "that's it!... just do my safety stop and ascend." That was what I did. As I reached the surface, the boat was far too. I had to paddle again!! and this time, I was out of stamina as the current was strong. Finally the boatmen threw a rope for rescue. I was exhausted, disappointed and upset. I told myself that would be my last dive for this trip. If I wanna dive again in Tioman, I'll come again; but with different bunch of divers and different dive master/instructor.
A very disappointing first day in Tioman.
23 April, a Friday - we all left for Tioman two hours before midnight. I was asleep all the way through as I was not having enough sleep for the prior two nights. Kind of excited to go to an island; as island, clear water, deep sea and beaches are all my favs in many many choices that God had created for us. I find tranquility... I find peace.. in indulging myself into the breeze of the open sea and the splashes of waves to the shores..
But this time... again... as I had expected...how many moments that he would spend with me... how many opportunities would he grab to just have that private moments to share stories and grab all those lost moments that we didnt manage to have in performing our daily routines while at home....???? As expected, when we go anywhere in a group... especially friends, my appearance... my sides are only utilised to shut his eyes close. That was one disappointment.
Getting on the ferry with the rest of the peeps on this trip with us, we had a good entrance to be among the first to enter the ferry. To my mind, lets grab the front sits so that it would be easier to manage the children and it would just be comfortable if he would experience motion sickness for the journey on the sea. But, as I turned my head to find him - I saw him sitting among those friends at the back part of the ferry. Another disappointment and a deep cut in the heart...
Once we were there at Paya in Tioman, the chalet we were in was just nice and fine to cater for basic needs and it is just fine for divers actually - those who plan for 'eat, dive, sleep' kinda activities. The girls were very excited and cant wait to play at the beach and perform their first time snorkelling. I can see that Adleena was all very excited about getting to the beach.... I was worried for not having to fit into my diving suit... as I thought I had put on lotsa fats around my body haha. But, surprisingly... I did fit in!! Uh.. tough effort to pull the gear up my body, but it was not that bad after all.
However, I wonder, why werent my heart very excited about going for a dive after the last dive we made in August 2006 or was it 2007 (?). My heart was without any feelings.... at preparing all gears.. getting on the boat till the moment I wanna jump into the waters. I was amongst the last one to jump in. Suddenly, I felt the adrenalin rushed in my blood. The tank was so heavy (as it has been so long not having to lift such heavy tank). Well, needing help ???? I looked around and there was no one to help me. He had jumped in after I helped him with his gears, as I was worried of his knee condition which is due for an operation - So I did help him with the weight of those equipments before he jumped into the water. Then, since I didnt see anyone paying attention to my need of help, I gathered myself together and made my giant leap into the water. That was not so much of a disappointment, merely some dissatiscation only. "Dussshhhh!" My giant leap was successful. I had told the divers that since it has been so long from the last dive... I may take a few moment to get down as I need to stabilise my breathing and heart beat to get down... as my intention was to save as much air as possible so that I can enjoy the 'other' world as much as I can. But, I was not able to descent! I tried all the techniques that I know about controlling weights and buoyancy... I dunno how many times I tried, but I was still floating at the surface. I looked for my buddy, quite some moments I was alone. I was not able to locate my buddy at all. I tried and tried and tried hard to descent.... then I thought I didnt have enough weights to descent. I used to wear three weights the last time and that was just fine. This time, three weights were not enough. I started to have some fear as I couldnt see any other divers around... till finally he came back for my rescue. But I was not expecting him to do anything, as he is just an amateur. I was expecting for a dive master or a dive instructor who should had came about to my rescue. After so long being on the surface, and having to disappoint him to not having the opportunity to go down under, I gave up!It was time to paddle back up to the boat which was more than 10 meters away from the spot that I was.The current was strong as the wind was quite strong. Also, while I was sort of underwater, I realised the visibility for that day was very poor. Hardly can see the divers after a few meters down. On my way to the boat, being rescued by him... I thought to myself that this team of divers and the instructor and the master were all very selfish bunch of people. There were no togetherness and lacking of responsibilities. I rested my case. I was about to just not go down on the next stop for diving that day.I was 65% sure that I wont be going down.But I thought of my buddy. I wanted him to be fulfilled and happy and not having much worry if I decided not to go down. So, I kept my spirit up.. pulled myself together and I told myself, just do the final dive of the day.
Then the 2nd spot. Talking about spot.. I'm surprised on the lackadaisical attitude of one or two divers, when I asked about the name of the dive site... they said they didnt know and didnt bother to know. I wonder who certified them... Anyway, the second spot, I put in another weight to myself and this time I was hoping that I would be able to sink. This time, there was another diver who had helped me up the side of the boat before I jumped in. I saw my buddy about 5 meters away from me when I had floated up. Then since everybody was ok, we all started descending. Hoorayyyy!!! I was able to descend. I still saw him, and with my earlier difficulty, I was hoping that he would swim towards me underneath the water. All divers started to move. I moved as well, I tried looking back but I was not able to locate him at all. The visibility was poor, hardly 2 meters away. My heart started to panic, so I just followed whoever nearby. Another disappointment experienced. The two divers that I had followed never bother of my existence as they were only communicating with each other seeing if both were ok, but not signaling me... I felt my heart getting very upset, but I still followed as I dun wanna get lost alone. Suddenly, a strong surge came by that made me be at halt and being pushed up towards the surface. Surge was strong that my path was pushed astray away from the other two I had followed. I told myself, "that's it!... just do my safety stop and ascend." That was what I did. As I reached the surface, the boat was far too. I had to paddle again!! and this time, I was out of stamina as the current was strong. Finally the boatmen threw a rope for rescue. I was exhausted, disappointed and upset. I told myself that would be my last dive for this trip. If I wanna dive again in Tioman, I'll come again; but with different bunch of divers and different dive master/instructor.
A very disappointing first day in Tioman.
Soul mate.. or merely a partner
Have anyone ever thought of this - soul mate or just a partner...?
Would having a soul mate very important? or... having a partner is good enough?
I dont know. But it always touches the heart when reading about articles or seeing pictures of 'soul mates'.
How do we know that we've found our soulmates?
Do soulmates really exist for all?
Would having a soul mate very important? or... having a partner is good enough?
I dont know. But it always touches the heart when reading about articles or seeing pictures of 'soul mates'.
How do we know that we've found our soulmates?
Do soulmates really exist for all?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Concentrate on these sentences...
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did...
When the universe takes something from your grasp, it's not punishing you.. but merely opening your hands to receive something better...
There comes a point in your life when you realize...
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore
and who always will...
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future...
When the universe takes something from your grasp, it's not punishing you.. but merely opening your hands to receive something better...
There comes a point in your life when you realize...
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore
and who always will...
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Eye opener '?'.. Big wide open....
After two weeks of the previous incident, I tried calling my sis... finally she picked up the phone. I did not have anything to tell or what, my intention was to see whether she is still not picking up my calls...
She answered.. quite OK to me.. I was happy and I was relieved! Just that I am very sad, she never even have the heart to apologise over her kurang ajar act. Well, I swallowed it all in.. to me for sisters' sake.. I'll take it, as long as she is ok now..
BUT I was saddened and taken aback again today. As after so long, today is the first time I met her at parents' home, in picking up our kids there..
She is good at pretending... she is very good at acting she is ok by tackling my girls in front of mak..
I tried making conversation.. but to my surprise.. my first question was answered with a rude tone of voice.. Followed by my second question, was also answered with another rude tone of voice. I wanted to curse her inside me.. but I still remember God is the Greatest... let Him do all the teaching in this wide stage call the world. I am very sad with my sister... very very sad.. Past few days, I felt that my parents were blaming me for the problem that I faced.. for the way I manage it.
Well, to me... I will try to manage my problems myself and not to involve them as much as I could.
I hope one day she would experience something similar of what she did to me..
God, give me the strength and give me all the patience to face all these -Amin-
She answered.. quite OK to me.. I was happy and I was relieved! Just that I am very sad, she never even have the heart to apologise over her kurang ajar act. Well, I swallowed it all in.. to me for sisters' sake.. I'll take it, as long as she is ok now..
BUT I was saddened and taken aback again today. As after so long, today is the first time I met her at parents' home, in picking up our kids there..
She is good at pretending... she is very good at acting she is ok by tackling my girls in front of mak..
I tried making conversation.. but to my surprise.. my first question was answered with a rude tone of voice.. Followed by my second question, was also answered with another rude tone of voice. I wanted to curse her inside me.. but I still remember God is the Greatest... let Him do all the teaching in this wide stage call the world. I am very sad with my sister... very very sad.. Past few days, I felt that my parents were blaming me for the problem that I faced.. for the way I manage it.
Well, to me... I will try to manage my problems myself and not to involve them as much as I could.
I hope one day she would experience something similar of what she did to me..
God, give me the strength and give me all the patience to face all these -Amin-
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Life's full of tests...
I am very disturbed...
I am very angry...
I am very blurr...
I am very confused...
I am everything that could describe confuse and don't know who to turn to, only Allah s.w.t. the Al-Mighty.
Dear God, give me the patience, firm on my iman, provide me with balanced rationale in my thinking and feelings.
It all started with a shocking news from Aqil's new teachers at his transition class on 19 January 2010, which was the last of the transition class that Aqil sat in. At the end of the class, the teachers called four mothers out of eight babies that were in the transition. The news shocked us all.. that our Down Syndrome babies are being transfered to a higher class --> The Toddlers Class. In our shocks, I know all the mothers there were thankful of our children's progress. At the same time, we the working mothers just shocked with the news... thinking how are we going to sacrifice just to send our special needs babies to those classes which will be conducted three times a week for 2.5 hours. I felt like crying that moment.. of joy and at the same time so helpless on how can I arrange for Aqil to attend those classes.
After much thought with my beloved husband, after going through all pros and cons of all plans that we had laid out. We thought of asking the opinion of the babysitter, Mama Fadillah. If she offers us her help, we'll be more that welcome and we'll provide all the assistance that she will need if she is willing to help us.
That night, as we planned to go meet Mama F and her husband, to ask for their opinion in our recent deep dilemma - my girls wanted to just stay a while at my sis's home. I called my sis and explained a little... That was the time all the bombs were put in place. The explosions of the landmines started from there. I was made to understand that she misunderstood my intention to go to Mama F's house that night. All because she had the notion that Mama F is gonna take care of her future baby, scheduled to be born in June 2010... so with Aqil's new and shocking routine would definitely make her lose Mama F to her baby. I was shocked by the news, another shock! Coz I was not informed about the baby is going to be cared by Mama F. Neither my sisters nor my mother had said anything about it to me. I was stunt! Then,I thought... for all the reason of love to the family, whatever decision that Mama F going to tell us, I accept with open heart.
The meeting that night, was more than a relief for us. The family was offering their help in managing Aqil. I felt like crying... for someone without blood relation willing to sacrifice herself for my son. I wished to cry of happiness, joy, thankfulness and God Bless all these people who have such kind hearts.
But, my relief was only a while ... as the next morning, Mom threw some 'spearing' words to me as I was sending my girls before leaving for work. I was shocked, coz I did not involve any of them yet. I was only taking my first step in managing issue on Aqil's schooling. I plan to tell them slowly... but I was rather attacked when I am not ready. I dunno what my sis had told them.. they were so against what had been achieved the night before. I was truly disturbed.. my mind was hay-wire.. that reaching Titiwangsa, I made a u-turn returning home.. not mentally and emotionally equipped to go to work.
Later in the night of Saturday, my dad played his role... but their suggestion for a solution to the issue I was facing... was not a solution for me.
I tried calling my sis, wanna discuss what had went wrong...?? What was going on that everyone seemed to be attacking me...?? but she didnt pick up my calls.
After long discussion with my beloved husband, we thought it was best to straighten things with my sis.. BUT SHE with all the DISRESPECT towards me.. didn't answer my call. I had to put on my thick face and leave the ego.. leave the role of respect that I should hold being the eldest... I went to her home. To my shock, she didnt even get out from her room and her husband at first refused to let me in as they were preparing to go out already. I am shocked by the treatment. I remembered them saying all sorts of things to other relatives for doing so.. and God is Great, they are doing it themselves.
My other sis tried to explain that this pregnant sister is emotional and it could get worst if she sees me then.
I tried to understand her situation, but to me... if really there is religion within her.. if really there is iman in her.. she shouldn't be acting that way.. but i let her be.
Today, past one week, she is still not answering my calls. It is so difficult to arrange bout her son, who is also babysat by Mama F that he has to stay in our parents' home when Mama F sends Aqil to school. She is making it very difficult for me. I really wish she could think, if it was not I who begged Mama F to accept her son... I dunno where her son would be now... Well,I hope, one day, she will face the same challenge if not more challenging than what she is doing to me. I am very sad to have such a sister.
A friend was saying, "Jun, actually in this wide world... we are alone... and family members are our worst nightmare when we have problems. We thought we could turn to them for support... but the actual fact, they are the one who will put you further down... Jun... treat this as an eye openner to the real world.. to the real situation, what sorta family members you have..be strong!"
I kinda agree with her statement.. my dearest friend.
God, provide me courage, provide me patience, provide me iman... to face all your tests... I need the strength from you. Amin.
I am very angry...
I am very blurr...
I am very confused...
I am everything that could describe confuse and don't know who to turn to, only Allah s.w.t. the Al-Mighty.
Dear God, give me the patience, firm on my iman, provide me with balanced rationale in my thinking and feelings.
It all started with a shocking news from Aqil's new teachers at his transition class on 19 January 2010, which was the last of the transition class that Aqil sat in. At the end of the class, the teachers called four mothers out of eight babies that were in the transition. The news shocked us all.. that our Down Syndrome babies are being transfered to a higher class --> The Toddlers Class. In our shocks, I know all the mothers there were thankful of our children's progress. At the same time, we the working mothers just shocked with the news... thinking how are we going to sacrifice just to send our special needs babies to those classes which will be conducted three times a week for 2.5 hours. I felt like crying that moment.. of joy and at the same time so helpless on how can I arrange for Aqil to attend those classes.
After much thought with my beloved husband, after going through all pros and cons of all plans that we had laid out. We thought of asking the opinion of the babysitter, Mama Fadillah. If she offers us her help, we'll be more that welcome and we'll provide all the assistance that she will need if she is willing to help us.
That night, as we planned to go meet Mama F and her husband, to ask for their opinion in our recent deep dilemma - my girls wanted to just stay a while at my sis's home. I called my sis and explained a little... That was the time all the bombs were put in place. The explosions of the landmines started from there. I was made to understand that she misunderstood my intention to go to Mama F's house that night. All because she had the notion that Mama F is gonna take care of her future baby, scheduled to be born in June 2010... so with Aqil's new and shocking routine would definitely make her lose Mama F to her baby. I was shocked by the news, another shock! Coz I was not informed about the baby is going to be cared by Mama F. Neither my sisters nor my mother had said anything about it to me. I was stunt! Then,I thought... for all the reason of love to the family, whatever decision that Mama F going to tell us, I accept with open heart.
The meeting that night, was more than a relief for us. The family was offering their help in managing Aqil. I felt like crying... for someone without blood relation willing to sacrifice herself for my son. I wished to cry of happiness, joy, thankfulness and God Bless all these people who have such kind hearts.
But, my relief was only a while ... as the next morning, Mom threw some 'spearing' words to me as I was sending my girls before leaving for work. I was shocked, coz I did not involve any of them yet. I was only taking my first step in managing issue on Aqil's schooling. I plan to tell them slowly... but I was rather attacked when I am not ready. I dunno what my sis had told them.. they were so against what had been achieved the night before. I was truly disturbed.. my mind was hay-wire.. that reaching Titiwangsa, I made a u-turn returning home.. not mentally and emotionally equipped to go to work.
Later in the night of Saturday, my dad played his role... but their suggestion for a solution to the issue I was facing... was not a solution for me.
I tried calling my sis, wanna discuss what had went wrong...?? What was going on that everyone seemed to be attacking me...?? but she didnt pick up my calls.
After long discussion with my beloved husband, we thought it was best to straighten things with my sis.. BUT SHE with all the DISRESPECT towards me.. didn't answer my call. I had to put on my thick face and leave the ego.. leave the role of respect that I should hold being the eldest... I went to her home. To my shock, she didnt even get out from her room and her husband at first refused to let me in as they were preparing to go out already. I am shocked by the treatment. I remembered them saying all sorts of things to other relatives for doing so.. and God is Great, they are doing it themselves.
My other sis tried to explain that this pregnant sister is emotional and it could get worst if she sees me then.
I tried to understand her situation, but to me... if really there is religion within her.. if really there is iman in her.. she shouldn't be acting that way.. but i let her be.
Today, past one week, she is still not answering my calls. It is so difficult to arrange bout her son, who is also babysat by Mama F that he has to stay in our parents' home when Mama F sends Aqil to school. She is making it very difficult for me. I really wish she could think, if it was not I who begged Mama F to accept her son... I dunno where her son would be now... Well,I hope, one day, she will face the same challenge if not more challenging than what she is doing to me. I am very sad to have such a sister.
A friend was saying, "Jun, actually in this wide world... we are alone... and family members are our worst nightmare when we have problems. We thought we could turn to them for support... but the actual fact, they are the one who will put you further down... Jun... treat this as an eye openner to the real world.. to the real situation, what sorta family members you have..be strong!"
I kinda agree with her statement.. my dearest friend.
God, provide me courage, provide me patience, provide me iman... to face all your tests... I need the strength from you. Amin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
